"SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL"

You were beautiful in many ways!
You were beautiful to look at with your broad shoulders, your relaxed smile and your blue, blue eyes. You were beautiful to listen to with your smooth tones and talent on the keyboard.
You had a beautiful nature as exemplified by the many who loved you.

Now, we have beautiful memories. We have the laughter and the intelligence. We have the smiles and the cuddles. We have the photos and the stories of the antics you and your mates got up to.

We have beautiful rainbows and stars in the sky to let us know that your beauty is not lost!! xxx

"YOUR PERSONALITY"

You were always happy!!
As a baby you just charmed the pants off everyone with your smiles and your placid demeanor.... and that was usually after little or no sleep! You would even wake up in the middle of the night, with a face full of smiles, just ready for a play!!
You remained happy and easy-going throughout your whole life. No wonder you had so many friends! You could be intolerant of people you perceived as idiots. You would generally ignore them as much as possible but if you couldn't do that then they would suffer your wrath.
You were fairly quiet at home and had a very, very quick wit. You always made us laugh with your instant retorts and humour.
You enjoyed a joke and loved your sport, both participation and spectator.
You were a perfectionist in many ways and didn't like to get things wrong.
You cared about those close to you and hated to see any of us upset.
You had a great personality!!! xxx

"A NUMBER"

Of course, I would have to say that one of your favourite numbers was "seven" as it was your standard answer to any question.
You also liked 12. I think that was because your birthday is on the 12th August but also because you went through a stage of having Richo as your favourite Tigers player and his number was 12.
Twelve has always been one of my favourite numbers as well...I'm not sure why. Maybe because it has so many factors for such a small number but more likely because it was your special number.
I know I don't like 11 any more...There were too many elevens associated with the day you died!
I guess your 'number' was up!

"THE WEATHER TODAY"

The weather today was pretty ordinary. It was overcast just like the day you died. But today had a brighter side!!...
Just as we drove back home after visiting your Nan and Pa a rainbow met us in the valley beyond our house.
I knew you were with us!! xxx

"SOMETHING SWEET"

I miss your sweet smile and the 'sweet' sound of your infectious laugh.
Your 'sweet tooth' meant that I had just finished forking out nearly $2000.00 to have your teeth all fixed up at the dentist.
You loved all things sweet and yet you weren't a dessert eater! You loved coke and pavlova and cinnamon sugar. You went through a stage where you just LOVED those icy pole tubes that you buy as liquid and put in the freezer. You loved cookie dough and mud cake.
No wonder I had to spend so much at the dentist!!!
"Sweet" was a word you used to describe anything good!
I think my children are my "something sweet"! xxx

"12 O'CLOCK"

12 o' clock. Lunch time!!!
And, on the 11th May, 2011 at 12 o'clock noon...your 'normal' life ended.
At 12 o'clock you left work to have your lunch break and never returned!
So began an hour of what must have been torture for you because you had already expressed concern about being able to 'handle' your pay day. it would have been an hour of mixed emotions which built up to feelings of trepidation and absolute despair.
I wish I was there for you, Jake! The part that hurts the most in all this is the thought of those feelings which must have been coursing through you like a tsunami. The depth of that despair must have been so intense!!
I love you, Jake! I wish you didn't have to go through such travesty! xxx

"UNUSUAL"

It is apparently very unusual for someone as young as you were to become addicted to gambling. But, you always talked of things in terms of money and seemed to want it all 'yesterday'. I guess that having a reasonably big win soon after you began working at the Gazette was what set you on the path to destruction. You probably saw it as a 'quick fix' and would have got sucked in before your subconscious even had time to say, "Don't do it!!!"
You wore an 'unusual' amount of hair product. Actually, your hair felt pretty gross!!!
You had an 'unusual' amount of 'best' friends!
You had an 'unusual' talent for being bloody good at everything you did!

"SOMETHING NEW"

Our life is new!
We have had to adjust to a new life without you in it! A new house that feels like home instead of the old one that was just a constant reminder of a nightmare day! A new view of a large, sunny garden with lots of lovely colour, especially in Autumn. A new number to cook for each night. A new way of looking at who your friends were and what they must have meant to you! A new friendship which has developed between ourselves and Amber and Rick and Jo.
 A new intolerance of people who whinge about the 'small' stuff. A new empathy for people suffering the loss of a loved one!
A whole new view of the world...sometimes viewed through the blur of tears...but always viewed together! xxx

"TECHNOLOGY"

You were our technology whizz!!
Every now and then we curse you not being here to fix something on the computer or the TV. Actually, your sister has proven to be quite  good in the technology department, too!
You were right into games such as 'World of Warcraft" and things like that and you could sometimes hack into different areas to use for your advantage.
Even your relations would sometimes call on you to fix their computer problems.
I've always been useless in that department and you would often roll your eyes at my 'stupidity' but you would always manage to spend a few seconds to fix what I had assumed would be a major problem.
You even helped me with my school concerts on several occasions by making the CD's with the music tracks on them. This would involve cutting out the bits I didn't want and adding bits in, etc.
Who will do that for me this year?

"PINK"

'Plonk the somersault dog' and his long lost cousin, 'Blonk the somersault dog' were pink all over and they were your favourite bedpals when you were about 3 or 4.
If they weren't ready for bed at the same time as you (or nowhere to be found) there was hell to pay! We would have to have the mad rush to find "Plonk" so that you would settle down for the night.
Apart from those two very special toys there was nothing else 'pink' in your life that I could think of. You weren't into wearing pink and I'm not sure if you were into listening to "Pink" so this blog is short and sweet!!! xxx

"WHERE YOU STAND"

About 3 or 4 months before you died we had a family conversation about organ donors. We were sitting around the dinner table and, I don't even know what brought the conversation up, but you made it quite clear what your 'stand' on this topic was.
In fact, we all agreed that, should the time come, we would all be happy to donate our organs.
None of us realised that the time was nigh.
When Toby and Nick died we were asked if we would like them to be organ donors. We said no as we felt that they had not even had a chance to show the world who they were and we did not want their angelic little bodies defiled in their purity.
For you it was a no-brainer! You had made your stand and we were aware of your intentions. No-one is prepared for the phone call that asks for such an irrevocable decision at such a gut-wrenching time but at least the decision had initially been yours.
Your organs were unable to be used but you were able to donate tissue for research into clavicle damage. It seemed very fitting as you were always carrying sports injuries such as this.
This decision then meant that you were honored posthumously at a ceremony conducted at the National Forensics Institute in Melbourne. This is held annually to thank those who have donated their organs or tissue in the previous twelve months.
We knew where you stood...in a very honorable place! xxx

"SOMETHING YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT"

A bit of an oxymoron really, because you didn't live!! I suppose it means that you couldn't live without feeling successful at everything you did! You had achieved success all your life but you couldn't deal with the sense of failure that a gambling addiction brought to you.
You were so good at everything you did that your first major 'failure' was just too much for you! You would have got through it, you know! You had just begun to talk openly to us about it and we were working on it together. But, maybe being open about it also brought it to the forefront of your mind. Who knows?
When you were here with us you couldn't live without your warm doona at night. You couldn't live without sugar to satisfy that sweet-tooth you had!  You couldn't live without love in all aspects of your life. You couldn't live without humour or music. You couldn't live without hair gel or summer.
You had all those things...I just wish you could have lived!! xxx

"A FAVOURITE PLACE"

Your most favourite place in the world was probably anywhere your mates happened to be!
But, I know you loved your bed...once you hit about 13 or 14! Before that you never slept!
You loved visiting Amber and spent many, many happy hours in her company and in the company of her family.
You loved staying with Jimi, Andy, Jaydan and Mosto at "383" in Box Hill and would eagerly head off to the city for your two weeks of trade school and two weeks of being with your mates. Actually, that is a bit of a lie, as it wasn't really the place you loved...it was the mates!!! You always came back complaining of the lack of heating and home comforts at "383". I think two weeks was long enough!
In the 12 months or so before you died you developed a love of nature and the bush. You would throw in a line in little creeks and rivers on your drives into nature. If you didn't have much time you would head out to the little bridge near Glen Cromie and just sit near the water. I don't think the aim was really to catch a fish...that was just a bonus if you did!
I think it was the calmness and serenity you craved!
I hope you have that now...calmness and serenity! <3

"SOMETHING YOU MADE"

I have a little footstool that you made in your early woodwork classes at school. Sian made one too so it must have been a standard woodwork 'thing'. I keep it in my walk-in robe and use it all the time!
You made a bar with your mates in woodwork class, too! I think it was you, Frank, Brad and Rhys who made it! It was the world's heaviest bar and it was made with a timber frame, timber bench tops and corrugated iron panels on the front! It wasn't exactly designer material...sorry boys!!! But we were the lucky ones who scored it when it was complete.
The only good thing I can say about it now is that it was at the centre of many happy times for you in "your shed".  It housed some boxes of wine and a stereo and you 'owned' it!!

Rhys has it now! I hope he is 'owning' it and having as much fun as you did!!

"SNACK"

You were "The Snack King"!!
You just seemed to graze all day long! You would have empty chip packets, chocolate wrappers, apple cores, pizza crusts, toast crumbs, biscuit crumbs and popcorn bowls lying around your computer desk for ages.
When you were a bit younger and we all shared the computer, we had a strict rule about no food near the computer. You took no notice of that rule and we eventually gave up!! (We didn't often do that!)
In our house at Baw Baw Drive, we had a teenage retreat. We once took a photo of the snack food remnants you had lying around on the floor of that room, because we had asked you and asked you and asked you to pick it up. So, I took a photo of all the rubbish, labelled it "Day 1" and put it on the wall. Each day, for the next four days, I did the same and added the photos to the wall. Of course, the snack food wrappers accumulated each day!
Finally, you noticed the photos and were shamed into cleaning it all up! I was really surprised that it took you that long to notice the pics (not that it took you that long to clean it up!!) but I guess the photos on the wall were not high priority for you!!
Your priority at the time was SNACKS!!!!

"WHAT YOU'RE READING"

You weren't an avid reader in your teenage years but you loved reading when you were a bit younger and you were very good at it. You would read anything but you went through stages.
Of course, as a toddler you really enjoyed "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and knew it off by heart!
In about Grade 3 or 4 you went through the "Goosebumps" series. and you absolutely LOVED the "Deltora Quest" books.
Then you would read anything to do with war...particularly if it was realistic fiction. You loved "Soldier Boy"  and another book about a 13 year old French boy who faked his age to go to war. You chose to do a "Book Bag" book report on that one in Year 7. You put pretend bullet holes in a toy army helmet and then you had to put three or four significant items in the helmet to talk about. I think you made a false birth notice and you put in a Bakery advertisement because the boy's parents were bakers. It was great!
You read all the Harry Potter books and then the "Tomorrow when the War Began" series.
And that's probably where it stopped.
The day before you died you asked me to buy you a book by Dr Wayne Dyer called "Your Sacred Self". Your counsellor had recommended it. It arrived about 10 days after you died and, after flicking through it, I doubt whether you would have ever read it! It was way too spiritual for you! But...who knows?
I donated it to your counsellor for someone else's use!!

"LOVE"

I love you Jake!!
I love the memories you have left me. Like your beautiful smile, your unruly hairstyle, your incredible height and slenderness and your heart of gold.
I love that you have so many people who love you and remember you for your sense of humour and your mateship.
I love seeing the rainbows and stars that are now my sign that you are with us! I love knowing that you are watching over us all and making sure that your sister is ok.
I love the little things that remind me of you such as watching Peter Bailey zoom towards us on a shopping trolley and remembering you doing just the same thing...when you were his height!
I love the warm feeling in my heart when I think of you!
I love you!

"GRASS"

I hope that reading this blog is not 'like watching grass grow'! It is a rather boring topic!
When you were about 9 or 10 you would use the thick grass in our backyard as your own personal football ground. You were the only player but you would always be two 'teams'. We were always highly amused as you would give a running commentary of the game between Richmond and the opposition as you went. You would kick the ball as Richo and either mark it yourself as Campbell or mark it yourself as an opposition player, usually Vandenberg from Hawthorn. (You just liked his name because it started with 'Van" like yours) Years later the Van Berlo brothers were playing but not early enough for your epic backyard matches.
Of course, in those games, you were always "Best on Ground" and Richmond always won!!! If only!!
Grass stains were just an everyday occurrence in those days,,,both at home and at school.
Funny how you didn't seem to get injured in those games against yourself like you did in every other team game you played!!!
Perhaps it was the soft grass!

"MUM"

I'm your Mum! and very proud to be able to say that to the world!!
In some ways I think I am the luckiest Mum in the world!!! I have produced four very beautiful children who each invoked such strong feelings of love and an overwhelming sense of..."This is what I was born to do!"
After your brothers, Toby and Nick were born I was semi-conscious and in the recovery room following a general anaesthetic when I learned that our little Nicholas had been stillborn. I remember just feeling absolute despair... and shock because I knew that when we had come into the hospital that morning we were feeling very excited about finally becoming parents after 8 and a 1/2 months of pregnancy. I also learned that Toby was still alive but had been taken to intensive care as he too was not expected to live. He lived through the night and died in my arms very early the following morning.
They were identical twins and no explanation could be found for their deaths as they were perfect-looking and very good weights. Now I know that they had a job to do. They had to pave the way for you to join them many years later!!
Two days before what would have been Toby and Nick's first birthday our beautiful Sian was born!! She was, and still is, absolutely gorgeous! She was obviously put on this Earth to make our lives the best they could possibly be!!!
You were my baby and such a joy and a bugger all at the same time! After having Sian who slept through the night from day one, I was completely taken aback by this bundle of joy WHO NEVER SLEPT!!!!
But I would do it all again Jake!! I'm your Mum and being a Mum is my favourite job!
Thank you and your brothers and your sister for making me very proud!

"SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY"

I think you mostly made yourself happy because you usually didn't do anything unless it made you feel good.
You were happiest when you were partying or socialising with your mates.
You were happy when you were with Amber.
You were happy eating junk food or omelettes or 'Wattle Stump' or roasts.
Happiness was a sleep-in. It was getting home from a party at 5 or 6 in the morning and sleeping until 'whenever' the next day.
It was jamming with your Dad on the guitars or fine-tuning a number on the keyboard.
It was turning the TV to Channel One to watch any sport that happened to be on at the time...even if it was lawn bowls!
It was creating the coloured banners from scratch in the 'Gazette' and taking pride in showing us that they were yours.
It made you happy to drive...anywhere...as long as you were behind the wheel.
It made you happy to sit beside a river or a creek for a spot of fishing or to throw a few 'yonnies'.
It made you happy to outwit us with your sense of humour.
It made you happy to be part of a family where you knew and felt love!
I hope you are happy wherever you are now! xxx

"KITCHEN"

I need to thank Beck for this one! She reminded me of why the kitchen has meaning as far as memories and you are concerned.
Once upon a time you would do the usual childhood/boy trick of standing at the pantry in the kitchen with the doors wide open just staring at the shelves. Then you would close the doors and return to your position in front of the TV. After about five minutes you would be back at the pantry looking feverishly... for junk food.
There was rarely any there because you had usually eaten it already!
Now the kitchen is a place where fridges have photos of you on them, drawers hold Richmond mugs which once belonged to you, oven trays hold memories of cookies which never made it past the dough stage and pantry doors stay closed a little more often.
Today marks a year since you left us.
It's been a day of tears and laughter and memories...some of them will always be 'in the kitchen'.

"A FAVOURITE WORD"

"Seven!"
That was your answer to every question! It very rarely made sense but I suppose it meant that you hadn't totally ignored the question....you just couldn't be bothered thinking of an answer!
Or, maybe you figured that sometimes it would be right! A bit like your Aunty Trish when she used to play Trivial Pursuit....her theory was that if you answered 'Elvis Presley" to every question you were bound to get at least ONE question correct!
Your Dad recently bought me a white Teddy bear to replace the one that 'disappeared' in one of your clean-outs. It's name is "Seven"
xxx

Today marks one year since I last spoke to you and cuddled you! It feels like 'seven' lifetimes!!

"SOMETHING YOU DO EVERY DAY"

You gave me a hug every day!!
Well, that's not quite true because you weren't home every day, but if you were at home at the same time as I was, then you would give me a 'tall cuddle'.
Sometimes the look on your face said, "OH, I suppose I'd better give her that cuddle before I go!" as if it were a chore that had to be done rather than an act that gave your Mum real pleasure. But, you still did it...and I still loved it!!
Sometimes, you gave me the cuddle because you wanted something! You could charm your way into or out of anything!!!
You would spontaneously give cuddles in times of need! That's how I knew that you would have turned out to be a 'good bloke". I was proud of that!!
Your mates are great, Jake! They give me a hug when they see me and some, like your cousin Tim, can actually give a 'tall hug'. It brings back nice memories but they will never be you!
I only came up to about your shoulder when you cuddled me but it felt good to be hugged by someone with such broad shoulders and by someone who really put everything into a hug.
I miss that! xxx

"A SMELL YOU ADORE"

I don't actually know the answer to this one!
I guess you loved the smell of cooking, especially if cookie dough was involved.
You were quite fussy about the spray-on deodorant you used as the smell had to be woody rather than 'citrusy' or floral.
I think you must have gone through a stage where body odour was not so much adored as just not an issue. I remember you, Jaydan and Joe being in the car after many of your basketball games and Sian complaining about how gross you all smelled. You would tell her in no uncertain terms that it was natural and ok!!
It would often take a few days before the smell disappeared completely from the car!!

"SOMEONE THAT INSPIRES YOU"

Besides your Dad, I think the person who inspired you the most in the months before you passed was Rick, Amber's dad.
You would come home raving about the lengthy conversations you had had with him, mostly about marketing and small business ideas.
You were filled with enthusiasm for things you could do with just a little more knowledge and understanding. You admired his work ethics and his own enthusiasm for self-learning and business acumen.
You seemed to hit it off with him on both an intellectual level and a personal level. You could share a joke with him and trade opinions on all things computer, business or Amber related.
You aspired to many aspects of his life-style and understood the need to work for greater gain.
He was an inspiration to you and, as such, made your short life just that much better!!
Thanks Rick!

"SOMEONE THAT INSPIRES YOU"

Besides your Dad, I think the person who inspired you the most in the months before you passed was Rick, Amber's dad.
You would come home raving about the lengthy conversations you had had with him, mostly about marketing and small business ideas.
You were filled with enthusiasm for things you could do with just a little more knowledge and understanding. You admired his work ethics and his own enthusiasm for self-learning and business acumen.
You seemed to hit it off with him on both an intellectual level and a personal level. You could share a joke with him and trade opinions on all things computer, business or Amber related.
You aspired to many aspects of his life-style and understood the need to work for greater gain.
He was an inspiration to you and, as such, made your short life just that much better!!
Thanks Rick!

"YOU"

I could probably write all day!
You were born by caesarean section on August 12th, 1991 at Frances Perry House in Carlton. You weighed just over 8lb and you had a little tuft of red hair that stuck up on the top of your head.
You were always an easy-going child who just laughed and played your way through life.
You asked a million questions but only after you had thought about your subject very carefully first, so your questions were always quite relevant and profound.
You were good at anything you put your mind to and everything came very easily to you. You played basketball and ten-pin bowling. You were in the gifted cluster right throughout your primary years and always had a lot of friends.
By the time you reached your teenage years you had very definite ideas about things and you were fiercely independent (unless it suited you not to be!!) Your mates became the centre of your world and you spent your weekends socialising.
Whenever you lost your heart to a girl you would fall hook, line and sinker but had many girl friends as well.
You would argue with us over chores or your social life but if any of us were hurt or upset you were a mainstay and your shoulder would prove a good cushion.
You are my son and I love you forever! xxx

"BIRD"

When you were about three of four Kerryn, Dad and I took you, Sian, Jaymee and Ashlee to Myuna Farm in Dandenong (sounds a bit silly when we live in dairy farming country, doesn't it?).
We wandered along the fence line of each of the paddocks, saying hello to cows and bulls, donkeys, horses, sheep and turkey.
Then, we came to a paddock where 4 ostriches were lined up along the fence just waiting to receive their personal greetings from 4 enthusiastic children. You crouched down to get a better look through the wire and, as you did, the 'bird' closest to you did the same. So, the girls followed suit.
And, so began a good ten minutes of fun and frivolity!
In unison all of you children would bob up and down and the ostriches would copy you, also in unison! You all had us in stitches!!
If only we had a video camera or Smart phones (which weren't even invented back then!) I think it would have won a "Funniest Home Video" award!

"FUN!"

Like all of us, your idea of 'fun' was relative to your age.
As a little boy you would have hours of endless fun with your large collection of toy dinosaurs. You knew all their proper names and what they ate and how big they grew and asked a multitude of questions about them. (We even had you convinced that the black-wrapped round haybales dotted in the paddocks were dinosaur poo!)
You thought it was great fun to accompany your dad as he followed the steam train down the highway to the rail crossing several kilometres away.
As a primary school child you loved your basketball games on Friday nights and your ten-pin bowling on Saturday mornings.
Then, the fun changed in secondary school.
Your mates became your main source of 'fun'. You loved spending time with them and would spend a lot of your spare time at mates' houses. Your idea of 'fun' was drinking, socialising, girls, poker nights, music, jamming and generally just living life to the full!!
You were the epitome of 'fun'!
So glad you enjoyed it!!

"SOMETHING YOU WORE TODAY"

I can't talk about what you wore today so I'll talk about what you wore every day.
You were tall and skinny with very broad shoulders. You loved skinny jeans, good quality brand-name t-shirts (very fussy in this area), your black leather jacket or a sheepskin-lined hoodie and 'greek granny slippers' for shoes, in either black or white.
You wore a lovely 'surfie-style' watch on your wrist which Amber had given you for Christmas. I think it was a JAG.
You refused to wear hats from a very young age (even though they were compulsory in summer months at school) as they might mess up your hair!
You often wore those rubber wrist bands which usually bore a message of some sort.
You wore a beautiful smile!

"SKYLINE"

As we drove down the highway a few weeks ago, three very bright rays of sunlight escaped the grey rain clouds and headed towards the distant skyline. One was brighter than the others and was flanked on each side by it's less brighter counterparts.
The warmth of those rays radiated quietly within my heart as I 'felt' my three boys accompanying me on our travels. I smiled.
It may sound dramatic or even foolish but I really do have those feelings at times of light and beauty, especially in the natural world.
Jake loved nature. He wasn't overly vocal about it but he would take himself to places off the beaten track just because of their beauty. He would comment on nature's ability to resurrect itself after a bushfire or he would despair at the devastation caused by same.
I loved that skyline and what it represented to me that day!

"PEACE"

Sometimes, at 1 or 2 o' clock in the morning, I would wish for 'peace' and quiet as you and your mates refused to shut up out there in the shed!! Now, I would give anything to have you making a noise and having fun and arguing with us about the 'unfairness' of sending your mates home!! (Not that they listened, anyway!)
Sometimes, when you were little, you would wish for 'peace' as Sian and I had the usual 'before school' battle over hair!
Now, we wish you peace in your final resting place. 
Rest in Peace, my beautiful boy! xxx